Life Plan...

The snow is falling... I'm still in my jammies, and it's almost noon... I have no desire to really do anything, but my mind is such a whirlwind of thought that I feel the need to write it out. My hope is that by seeing words in print I can better analyze where I am, and where I want to be.

I'm titling this blog "Life Plan" because that's what I'm supposed to be doing this week. Part of the coaching I go through is creating/writing your "Life Plan". This is where I am to analyze where my life is, what's most important to me, and how I'm going to live my life. The first time I was asked to write mine, I couldn't get my mind around the "plan" part. I have always been a spontaneous person, so to plan my life seemed foreign to me. Eventually I came to realize that it's not about structuring and organizing your life, but rather about recognizing and focusing on the parts of your life that are most important. The way the plan is structured, you decide which "accounts" are priorities in your life and then choose how you want to fill them (so to speak). For example: family is my number one account. I wrote out how I saw our family in the future, the type of relationship I want to have, and how I would go about ensuring that relationship. There were other accounts, such as personal growth, spirituality, romance... for each account I envisioned the outcome and then decided how I would get to that outcome.

My first life plan was written about 2-1/2 years ago. Recently my coach asked me to revisit it and see if it needed updating. I did so, and found that yes, it needs updating. I realized that 2-1/2 years ago I was very apologetic, very focused on the past, and didn't have a very clear vision of who I was or who I wanted to be. This week I'm re-writing the plan, and hopefully will be more focused on the outcome. I'll need to dig deeper into myself to really discover what I envision my life to be.

I'm writing today to get ready for writing the plan. For some reason I'm feeling very off today... very... incomplete. I won't go so far as to say I'm unhappy, but perhaps feeling some discontent. I feel as if I'm drifting along with the tide as opposed to moving in the direction of my choosing. Perhaps it's because I have failed to identify that direction! I feel the two accounts I'm most off track with are career and romantic relationships. Career is obviously because much of my success is determined by the housing market. I can do much to be successful regardless, but there are some very real limitations, such as, people buying homes and people having enough equity in their homes to refinance. So, I'll do the best I can with what we have to work with, and make sure I'm still positioned for when the market turns. Okay, that's all pretty good, or at the very least, I'm doing what I need to do.

So... on to #2. Perhaps where I feel my strongest sense of discontent. I have been "single" now for about 2-1/2 years - and not unhappily so. I have been fortunate to have met and dated some wonderful men, but have always felt that there has been at least one key element missing. Having been married twice and in one long term relationship, I finally learned that I can't make a relationship be what I want it to be. Either the person and I truly connect on a deep level, or it just isn't going to work. Ah, that sounds so vague and "new-ageish", doesn't it? But does it really matter if the two in a relationship enjoy doing the same things? I don't think so... I think having separate interests and time apart strengthens a relationship. Does it matter whether their backgrounds are the same? Not if they can learn from each other's life experiences. I think that what really matters is that when the two are together, they can grow and become better individuals.

I find myself physically craving someone I can grow with. While some may fantasize about romance and flowers, I fantasize about an in-depth discussion about life. While some women fantasize about getting diamonds as a gift, I fantasize about getting a book that truly touches a chord within me, because the person in my life understands that chord. I want to be in a relationship with someone who truly wants to know me, and makes the effort to do so. Someone who listens to what I say about who I am. Someone who will share with me who he is and allow me the opportunity to appreciate it and learn from it. Someone who will open his soul and allow me to cherish and share that beauty.

I've been told that "men aren't wired that way"... but I disagree. Perhaps all men aren't, but I believe that some are. I'm reading "The Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch - Randy Pausch was wired that way. I recently read "The Art of Happiness" by the Dalai Lama with Dr. Howard Cutler - they're wired that way. I've read numerous books by Andy Andrews - he's wired that way. My coach, Bill - he's wired that way. I could go on and on, but the point is made.

So, my dilemma: do I continue to "serial date" in hopes that I someday stumble upon the person who satisfies my internal craving? I don't know. I'm tired of dating, I'm tired of the mating dance, the games, the rituals and rules... it seems to be such a waste of time and energy. I'm tired of the compromises, the disappointments, the emotional baggage, the "ex" trauma. I'm tired of it all. Yet on the other hand, I'm also finally, finally tired of being alone. I'm tired of not having someone to share the deeper parts of my life with. So, I guess that means I continue to date.

But I don't want to. I can no longer muster up the excitement when going out with someone new. I'm becoming cynical.

Herein lies the biggest problem with life after 40 - or at least, single life after 40. Finally I have come to know what I want, but don't know where to find it. It seems elusive... I can't reach it, I can't grasp it... I see a glimpse, and when I turn the corner, it's gone.

I wonder sometimes... do I want too much? Are my expectations unrealistic? Part of me feels that the type of person I'm seeking has already been found and is sharing his soul with some very lucky woman... I find it difficult to believe that someone like that would be alone.

So, even after all this writing... this two hours of introspection... I feel no closer to solving my initial dilemma. I feel no more ready to write my life plan - because I'm not convinced that I'll be able to fulfill it. I do feel better having unloaded some heaviness in my heart, and seeing in type what I'm looking for... but I'm not sure that truly knowing what you want is a good thing if you don't think you'll ever find it. If nothing else though, perhaps I've relieved some of the pressure from keeping all this inside my mind.